Show Up

Something isn’t right. You can see it in her eyes that she’s suffering. She looks broken.  You’ve asked around and heard that…

Her son is a drug addict

or

her daughter was raped

or

her husband left her for another woman

or

she can’t get pregnant, and all she’s ever wanted was to have children

or…

whatever the miserable rumor is that’s going around.

You don’t really trust the rumors and you haven’t heard anything directly from her.  You think about how close you used to be and you want to help, but it’s uncomfortable, and you’re not sure what to do. 

Here’s my advice—Try to clear your head of any judgments you hold or assumptions you’ve made because unless you’ve walked in her shoes, you can’t possibly know what it’s like, so don’t pretend you do.

Once you’ve got your heart and mind in the right place, then show up, listen, and encourage her.

Show up by calling or dropping by. When you call and she doesn’t pick up, leave her a voice mail.  If you stop by and she doesn’t answer the door, leave a note. Send her a text or drop a card in the mail. Don’t bombard her, but check in periodically.  Let her know you’re thinking of her and ask for nothing in return— expect no response.

When she finally does respond, listen for as long as it takes.  Sit in the silence with her if she’ll let you. If she’s willing to talk, then listen. Give her your undivided attention.

Encourage and support her. Let her know she’s not alone in this. Tell her to keep going, and that she’s going to be ok.  If you’re a believer, get on your knees and pray!   Be a light, and give her hope. Assure her that she can trust you, and don’t break that trust.

You don’t need to have the “right” words.  Nobody really knows what to say when someone they care about is suffering.  Sometimes the best approach is to literally say that you “can’t find the words”, but you’re there for her, you’re ready to listen, and you want to help.

Respect her privacy.  Unless you’re concerned for her safety, or you have her permission, don’t talk to anyone about it because it’s none of their business.  Even well-intentioned people don’t need to hear it from you.  Let her tell them, whenever she is ready.

When I was in the storm of my son’s addiction, I retreated into total isolation.  In retrospect, it was the worst thing for me. Now that I have Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever reach that level of desperation and brokenness again, but if I do, I will not isolate. I have at least six warrior sisters-in-Christ that I can call on to show up for me.  They will pray, encourage, and love me through my pain. More importantly than even my dearest friends and family,  I have Jesus that I can hand my burdens to.  With Christ in my life I am better equipped to handle the battles that lie ahead.

When the storms come, and they certainly will, we need others to walk through them with us.  We were not intended to suffer alone! We all struggle, it just looks different for each of us.  So let’s keep lifting each other up because frankly, no one has it all figured out yet. 

Friends need you to:

Listen with your whole heart

Pray with everything you’ve got

Encourage them to keep going

Love them through it

and keep showing up.   

Just SHOW UP!

When there are no words…know that silences are carrying the thoughts and prayers of all who love you

-Dawn Dais