Intention Check

I know what it feels like to be talked about. When my son was in the throes of addiction, word got back to me that there were people talking badly about my family. They implied that I was somehow responsible for my son’s drug addiction. I guess this is to be expected. Sometimes when bad things happen people like to talk about it, but the idea that my parenting somehow caused my son to turn to drugs is ludicrous.  I dealt with a lot of different feelings during that time in my life, but guilt was not one of them.  I was smart enough to know that my son’s addiction had nothing to do with my parenting, but the gossip didn’t feel good. Their words hurt me. I remember thinking, who are they to judge my family? How would they know anything about our circumstances? The truth is they didn’t know—they were being judgmental and intentionally hurtful. I have since forgiven them but as I write this, I remember how their words hit me like a bus when I felt like I’d already been run over a dozen times. It was awful.

I’ve seen lives derailed by false accusations.  I remember an ugly custody battle where one parent was trying to get the upper hand by implying there was physical abuse happening when there wasn’t any. It was a lie. Can you imagine being falsely accused of hurting your child? Once the accusation is made, people may look at you differently and doubt can linger heavy for a long, long time.

Let me be clear— I believe in having a voice. We must speak truth and unveil sin and ugliness to help and protect others, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about throwing harmful words around carelessly and intentionally trying to hurt others.

This is fresh on my heart because we have a dear friend who is going through something terrible. There was an altercation, someone videotaped it, added a false narrative, and within hours things blew up like a bomb, hitting their entire family with sharp, angry pieces of shrapnel. The video went viral, and that is when the harassment started. Over one hundred phone calls from strangers, threats of physical harm, lies and accusations that were so far from the truth that they could not formulate a response.  I mean, what can you possibly say when the lies are incomprehensible? I don’t have all the details, but I know this family— they are good, loving people. They have been blindsided by something that was taken completely out of context, and now they are being exploited. Their business is suffering and I’m sure they are emotionally beat up. Why would people do such a thing? And what recourse, if any, does this family have? Can you imagine? It’s just too much.

I understand that every accusation must be dealt with. But how do you respond when the lies are meant to intentionally hurt people? This is happening all around us these days and it makes my heart heavy, so I look for answers and truth. I turn to the bible to learn about gossip, lies, and slander. Here’s what I found...

·         Romans 12:9-21 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.

·         James 3:6 And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness. And James 3:7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue.  It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison.  

·         Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

·         Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

·         1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

·         Matthew 7:1-4 Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. How can you think of saying to your friend, “Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?

These verses hit home for me. When I was younger I didn’t think about this stuff very much, but I think about it now—we all need to be thinking about it. As a Christian woman, my desire is to be more like Jesus and even though I come up short every day, I try to filter my thoughts and words as best I can. I check my intentions— am I speaking out of love? Are my intentions pure? If the answer isn’t a strong yes, then I try not to speak it. Please hear me on this because I’m not suggesting being passive. Sometimes love is dealing with hard truths, holding others accountable, and calling people out, but when love is driving those conversations it works, AND it’s necessary.

I don’t know if this blog will have any impact, but I felt compelled to share some perspective because I think it’s important that we all take responsibility for what we say and do. The point I’m trying to make is that we mustn’t underestimate the power of our words—they can motivate, lift-up, encourage, and make others feel loved and cherished. Or they can literally destroy people. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I hope you will too.